‘The Cardiac Slap’

I was walking down the road just the other day,
I see a real heavy hog, and he’s coming my way.
He’s puffing and he’s blowing as he struggles up the hill.
He’s looking pretty hot and he looks pretty ill.
Just as I am passing, he catches his breath,
And he falls to his knees, and he clutches his chest.
His breathing stops, but there’s no need to flap,
‘Coss I can get down and do the cardiac slap.

Thump him on the chest, thump him on the back,
Blow up his nose and do the cardiac slap.
Thump him on the chest, thump him on the back,
Blow up his nose and do the cardiac slap.
Only Jesus can save; you can only delay,
And hope he gets right before the Judgment Day.
Thump him on the chest, thump him on the back,
Blow up his nose and do the cardiac slap.

In the hospital, the nurse runs up the stair.
The alarm’s been raised in the Intensive Care.
The patient lies still and silent on his bed.
The machine’s stopped bleeping, so they think he’s dead.
The nurse is young, and she wonders what to do.
Her mind is racing as the patient turns blue.
The sister arrives in her sister’s cap.
So they both join in and do the cardiac slap.

Sat on the beach cutting his toes,
The life-guard sits with his peeling nose
The shout goes up, his name is cried.
Some small kid’s got caught by the tide.
So the guard swims out and they reel them in.
The kid lies still with cold and pallid skin.
So they loosen off the harness strap,
‘Coss they know how to do the cardiac slap.

Well, you may be fit, in the peak of health.
But you don’t know what goes on inside yourself.
Who’s to say that your lungs won’t flop.
At any time your heart could block and stop.
Don’t ask when, don’t ask why,
Just know where you’re going when you die.
There may be some-one around at your heart attack,
But he might not know the cardiac slap.

Composer: Robert Bathurst

Lyricist: Martin Day
© M Day 05-Oct-1983